One line summary: If you’re going to get sick while traveling abroad, Taiwan is the place to be.

The day started like most days except that it’d been about 36 hours since I started feeling intermittent abdominal pain. Sometimes it would happen while walking, other times while eating, and yet others if I slept on a certain side. I couldn’t quite tell if it was stress or food-induced. I had been eating a full meal every few hours since arrival. That’s the cost of spending Chinese New Year with a friend’s family in Taipei. Feasting with elder Chinese people is reminiscent of going out to eat with my friend Anil.

Anil: Lou, want some kebabs?
Me: I just ate!
Anil: What’s that got to do with anything?

Anyhow, back at the scene. “I feel totally find when I’m lying down, so I’m just going to not move for the rest of the week,” I said when asked if I wanted to go to the doctor’s. That didn’t sit well with Grace (my hostess) or with Allison (travel buddy). So off we went to Taipei Veterans General Hospital.

A short bus ride later, we walked into the ER (since it’s a holiday here, most doctor’s clinics were closed so we had to go to the ER). With my half-assed Mandarin and Grace’s fluid Taiwanese we explain to the doctors at registration that I’m having abdominal pains but I’m a foreigner, can I still be seen? The doctor replied, “Of course!” like it was somehow ridiculous to be denied coverage just because you’re not from here and don’t have National Health Insurance.

I sat a bit relieved when the doctor at reception spoke really good English. Turns out his cousin went to school at Berkeley. I fill out the requisite paperwork – really just half a sheet of paper asking for name, dob, address, emergency contact and national ID number.

As I’m filling that out, Grace is explaining to staff that I understand Mandarin, and she speaks only Taiwanese. Perplexed the nurse asks, “Then how do you two communicate?” “In English,” Grace replies. A big light bulb goes off and everyone laughs.

Soon enough I get my ID bracelet and I’m officially checked in at 12:46 p.m. I’m shuffled a few hundred feet down where a doctor sits with me. He asks me briefly about my symptoms and then asks if I prefer drugs or needles. Whatever helps me feel better, I have no preference. All of this conducted in Chinglish. So he enters in a prescription, tells me to go to the pharmacy have it filled, take the meds then wait 30 minutes to see how I feel.

I walk no more than 500 feet to the pharmacy and by the time I show up they have already filled my prescription, bagged it and are waiting for me. They might as well have said, “We’ve been expecting you, Jen.” Seriously, in less than 2 minutes my prescription is sent from the doctor’s desk to the pharmacy AND filled. There needs to be an HBS case study on efficiency done here and distributed to Walgreen’s.

By 1:08 p.m. (22 minutes) I have been seen and dispensed meds (buscopan and an analgesic) and am left to wait the requisite 30 minutes to see if the meds help. 1:38 rolls by and the meds aren’t helping. The pain is still there and my mind has scared up the idea that somehow I have dengue fever though I have no fever or rash. I stand at the nurse’s station and wait 2 minutes while she takes care of other patients before she asks me what’s up. Literally, the longest I had to wait for any kind of medical attention. When I explain that the meds haven’t helped, I’m back talking to the doctor I saw earlier.

He asks me a few more questions, pushes on my abdomen to locate the pain, then asks me at least 3 times if I’m pregnant, if I’m sure I’m not pregnant. How do you say ‘Only through Immaculate Conception’ in Chinese? Convinced, he prints out another prescription and then an order to draw up blood work.

I walk my 500 feet over to the blood work guys (right next to the pharmacy). And the guy looks at my form, tells me to pull up the seat behind me, and proceeds to draw blood right there and then. Talk about fast service! My McDonald’s hash browns take longer than this!

As I wait for blood results some creepy Taiwanese guy asks me if I’m “hua chiao” which I have no idea what that means. He proceeds to ask if my mom is Taiwanese. I say yes, about to launch into my explanation that my mom’s from Tainan and my dad’s from the mainland when it dawns on me, I don’t owe him an explanation! Nor do I want to be engaging him. So I leave it at yes, to which he says in Chinese, then you are hua chiao. Hua chiao sounds an awful lot like the characters for slippery and bridge in Chinese. Slippery bridge? That must be some kind of slang. (I find out later that it’s a term for Overseas Chinese).

A few minutes pass, and things start to get serious, they roll out a bed for me and I hop on while I get an IV drip and they dispense 2 medicines via IV (same as the pills I took before – guess they’re just going more direct this time). Despite all this, I’m having a good time and good laughs as Grace and Allison take photos and regale me with stories about the delicious food court at the hospital. No, I’m serious, the food is good. People who live near the hospital come here for lunch and dinner. I start to feel better.

The doctor reappears, giving me my discharge orders: no food for 24 hours, just lots of fluids (like Gatorade) and take the meds he’ll prescribe. I can leave once I’ve finished my IV bag but it’s dripping super slow, at this rate it’ll be the year of the rabbit before I’m done. He adjusts a dial so the drip goes a little faster. After he leaves, Allison tinkers with the bag and cranks up the dial so it’s at full drip. I’m flying through my IV bag now!

Waiting for the IV to finish took more time than the rest of the medical process. I’m won over even more by the idea of national healthcare. It’s been far more efficient and pleasant than most of my in state ER experiences. Hell, probably more so than most of my doctor’s appointments.

Total time for the visit was about 2-3 hours. Total cost: 2362 NT. That’s 73.55 USD for a trip to the ER, medical consult, 1 IV, 2 prescriptions for 2 different medicines and bloodwork. The skeevy guy was a bonus.

Only quirky thing about the visit is that all the dates are relative to 10/10/1911. 1911 is considered year zero in Taiwan. On 10/10/1911, Sun Yat-sen’s revolutionaries overthrew the Manchus. That date is Taiwan National Day (Independence Day). So if you’re born in 1976, your medical file will show that you were born in ‘65 (76-11).

Oh, what’s the picture up top about? It’s one of the ice cream flavors served up at the food court in Taipei Vet Gen. Photo credit: Grace.

p.s. Mom, if you’re reading this, I’m okay. Don’t worry, I’m in good hands!